My Haitian Adoption Timeline

A few readers have asked to know a little more about the adoption process and how long we expect to wait from now (soft match) so I will try to summarize the steps!

Steps we’ve completed:

-Sign up with an agency / a few days
-Complete home study (intense background check including home visits and personal interviews with social worker; review of family dynamics, goals, parenting styles, etc.) / a few months
-Complete dossier (family paperwork which includes psychology evaluation, background checks in all states and countries in which a family has lived, very thorough health examinations, half a dozen reference letters, financial evaluation, letter of intention to Haitian government…and many more things, but that basically covers it) / 3-6 months
–USCIS approval (for US residents of course) to adopt orphans & fingerprint appointment / several weeks to a few months
–Dossier Translation (into French) / few weeks
-Submission of dossier*, which includes home study approval, to IBESR, the Haitian government’s social services department

*Almost every document was notarized and many were authenticated by the Secretary of the State prior to translation and submission. This also takes time! Here is a picture of our dossier going off to our agency for review, approval, and translation…and then authentication, both in the U.S. and then again as soon as it got to Haiti!

-WAIT/Start to point of IBESR / Almost 9 months (this may be a little longer or shorter than some…we’ve lived in many states and even different countries as adults so our information took longer to gather than it may for some others)

-WAIT/IBESR entry to Soft Match: 10 months (this step could take almost no time, but IBESR is understaffed and had many law changes this year to implement the Hague Convention. Also, new families, under the new Hague laws, will not get match news, only firm referrals.

THIS IS WHERE WE ARE NOW. HERE IS WHAT WE HAVE LEFT.

-Waiting for a Referral (official document where birth mom has relinquished all rights; this is where it starts to get real!) / Expect 6 months, give or take 3 months on either side
-2 Week (15 day) Bonding Trip (Meet our child; bond; are evaluated by social workers) / Immediately after referral
-Exit from IBESR / currently taking about 4 months post-bonding trip

(Are you bored yet? If you want to know, in detail, what every forthcoming step entails, please click here. Otherwise, I am going to start just relaying name of stage and expected wait.)

–Parquet / averaging 4 weeks to a little over 2 months
-Legalization after Parquet / about a month
-Ministry of the Interior – MOI / a month to 3 months
-Passports / 2 to 3 months (Many times they run out of passport paper and it causes major delays!)
-USCIS approval / varies, but plan on another couple of months
-VISA approval / another month or so
–HOME! (and Post Placement supervision for many years!)

So, many of these steps VARY WIDELY in time frames. Yes, a passport, for example, *could* be printed very quickly…but there is often a backlog and a factor we call “Haitian time” which is very different than American, hyper-efficient time. I’m sure you can all do simple math and see why I say we expect more than a year, and possibly several more years, in process for this adoption.

There could be a miracle and our file could fly through all of these steps, but – more often than not – the timeline gets stretched, just as our IBESR wait before our soft match did (I was told to expect more like 3-6 months, not 10 months).

My readers (you!) have given me so much positivity and support through this process already. I am so beyond thankful for you buoying us up as we navigate this incomprehensible process. I don’t know how we will do it, but I keep on just taking each day how it comes, and we all know how fast months truly do fly by, so I know we will get there! Thank you for being interested and helping me celebrate the steps of this huge adoption journey!

Celebrating Progress

I love to celebrate, and – after getting a little more courage from MPB’s journey – I decided I need to try and let go and purchase a thing or two for the little one coming, as well! Now, we still have a long time, so I don’t want to go overboard, but a few little things can’t hurt to help us celebrate the milestones.

I have a great affinity for children’s books and whenever I think of our child’s room, I always imagine a book case with stacks and stacks of children’s books. We’ve actually received two books in the midst of this process – one from a family member and one from a close friend.

These books have been such a delight! They are vessels of light, support, and the promise of tomorrow. They also are the start of what I know will be an awesome collection. So, I decided to celebrate by purchasing my first ever items for a child of ours…I bought several children’s books on adoption and multicultural families. I can’t wait to read through them with our child one day and fill his mind with positive and nurturing stories of his journey (wow, I get to say “his”)!

These will be a surprise for my husband, so I hope he will also find joy in starting our journey with these little treats. Cautiously, we are opening ourselves up to this dream. It’s a great feeling to immerse ourselves in hope again after so much loss and patience!

Life’s Doors and Windows

Receiving the news that our file is matched with a little boy in Haiti infuses energy into my life. Most of it thrilling, but some of it scared that we will lose this one, too. As I told my parents, it feels like the 5th pregnancy (not counting the Colombian twins to whom we also felt attached). We’ve gone through the whole announcing a pregnancy thing, and it hasn’t worked out so well. But, I opened this blog to create a space to be vulnerable, trying to sort out my thoughts and live more fully in my life. So, we commence the moment. We celebrate. We know there is sadness and uncontrollable situations, but we choose to be present for all the positives along the way.

The only information we have on the match is that a) he is a boy, b) roughly where he is residing now (geographically), and c) his birth date. One of the first things I did was to try to trace my life back through journals, emails, and social media to see what I was doing the day he was born. Life is so paradoxical! The day he was born, I found out my first methotrexate shot didn’t properly abort my baby, my last pregnancy, so I had to scurry around, trying to ensure I could get yet another shot of the poison an hour before boarding a plane to help my sister in need. So, the old saying could not be more true: when God was closing a door (ending my time with one child), he was opening a window (bringing my next child into this world).

I say this early, hoping this match really is the one. But beyond that, I say this to all of you reading this, hurting in one way or another. We just don’t know what life will bring us. We just don’t know the timing of things. We don’t have the whole plan laid out in front of us. However, I do believe in optimism. I believe the plan is out there. I believe our sorrows prepare us to be more of ourselves than we ever thought possible, stronger than our wildest dreams. And that, is beautiful.

It’s a Match!

After 1.5 years in process to adopt from Haiti…we received a match! It appears that we will be parents to a little boy!!!!

Now, this news comes with a lot of disclaimers, but basically what needs to be relayed is that a) this could fall through and b) matches like this often do. But, where would we be if we didn’t celebrate these moments, especially if this is the one?

My first reaction to this news was overwhelming relief…the kind you get that is accompanied by a gulpy cry at the back of your throat. THANK GOD my soul was saying with every fiber in my body. Now this time, unlike last time, I actually told my husband he was having a boy seconds after I heard the news. Then there is that moment where you ask each other, “How do you feel about a boy, honey?” (Well, as we have covered, we’ve never experienced this before, even though I have given birth to a boy, but we’ve all seen this play out in movies and asked others having kids a similar question.) At the same time, we kind of looked at each other, and in the most affirming, overwhelmingly adamant way we both communicated we couldn’t have cared any less about whether the match was a boy or a girl. From our perspective, that is just the least of our thoughts.

It is, however, so exciting to think about all the fun styles his hair will be capable of, how we will decorate his room, dream about what his interests will be, what his name is, and what he looks like. We won’t have any more information until we get an official referral (hopefully in about 6 months).

And, of course, there are things that aren’t as fun to think about like the fact that there has been another tragic, racist, terrorist act that caused destruction in a SC church (and in a community, and in a nation) this week. I am not concerned about being up for the challenge of raising a dark skinned male in America, but I am concerned about his safety. Like all caring parents, I want to ensure my child’s safety, but when his skin color may be a target for someone else’s unwell, hateful thoughts…that kills me inside.

So, even though that juxtaposition has a place in my thoughts, we have a lot of love and positivity to celebrate this week. There is progress! Hope has nestled up beside us, giving us a warm and fuzzy feeling once again! It’s been a while and I was fighting resentment, but now I am back to dreaming. I have a lift in my spirit. There is a little boy, alive and well, being prepared for our home!

Hells Yeah I am Getting My Life Back

Not every day. Certainly not all day. But, I am getting my spark back. I am finding the fight in my soul again. I have energy. I am going to the track again to do 400m workouts before the sun comes up.

I am running 5ks. I am not running the fastest I’ve ever run, but I am not running the slowest either. But – regardless of speed – my self-talk is incredible. I find myself, in the last stretch of a race, feeling so beautiful and strong. I am saying, “I am powerful. Look what my body can do. Look what this body, the one that was torn up over four miscarriages…torn up over the fluctuation of too many hormones over several years…torn up over one 4-day hospital stay where I was hooked up to morphine that didn’t penetrate any pain centers while I experienced labor pains without a reward…look what this brave, beautiful body is doing today.”

I am letting you all in. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. There is so much pain locked away, but dammit it if I don’t recover. I am going to throw it all back. I am going to help people whom experience these horrific surprises in life. I was down for a long time, and I am still fighting. Here I am, coming up for air, over and over again as the days go by.

I know a lot of people stumble upon this blog after their own struggles – many being diagnosed with some type of infertility and, often, too many miscarriages. Please let this post soak in: there is “the other side” of this pain. You will get there. You will get your fight back. Keep going and kick ass.

Soul Full of Serenity

It seems like ages since I have felt this calm. I feel grounded in just being. Finally, there is an absence of anxiety in the blood running through my veins; there is a noticeable lack of what other times feels like liquid fire being ignited in my chest. Today, I notice the birds chirping; the lush plant material and ground coverings dripping in a symphony of greens; and the clouds hanging overhead, forming a hazy, protective barrier while letting the sun light the sky from behind them.

Nothing happened, but little pivots have unlocked this more peaceful place in me. Having another dream last night about a match in Haiti with a little boy makes me feel more steadfast and hopeful about our adoption process. News of continued, positive progress in a sick family member continues to lighten the load. 24 hours visiting with a dear friend this weekend, sharing deep conversation, two handfuls of tears, and helping each other work through some sorrows in our hearts truly felt like therapy. Then there is the new possibility of greatly altering my career path to combine my professional strengths and my soul’s calling to orphans…it is too premature to write here, but I may have such an opportunity, although I am not sure of the degree of involvement which will come to fruition…but there seems to be stirrings of newness, a shift to something more true after years of tribulations and patience.

This isn’t to say I expect an immediate, lightening-bolt change. I just sense some newness being prepared on my path. A newness, and a rightness: not an ethical or judgment-based rightness, but a truthfulness or divinity instead. I am feeling open to where the hardships have led me and where I was always supposed to go.

And for that, I am thankful today. I am lighter today. The world seems beautiful and my heart is unburdened for the first time in a long while. I hope you feel the same way today.

Silver Linings on Mother’s Day

I just needed to write a little update because my general mood has been downtrodden and I really don’t like to live in that space. As with most things, our fear is largely unwarranted as we humans can get through whatever comes our way! We may not always like the challenges, but we will be okay anyway.

I got to spend Mother’s Day with my husband and our friends, boating with their little twin boys. It was a full sky / full sun kind of day. We relaxed, took in the wind and the waves, and enjoyed the humor of three year old boys.

Later that night, on a Sunday no less, I got a call from my adoption agency. We were told a match is being prepared for us in the “next 6-8 weeks.” !!! Now, we did expect this might happen late in 2014, but – as we cannot turn back time – this is still progress. This means we may travel to bond with our little one in 2015 if everything goes smoothly, and possibly take them home in the calendar year of 2016 if the process continues as planned.

So, the reality of mother’s day was pretty darn refreshing this year. I got to enjoy cute little kiddos (without having any real responsibility). I also received encouraging adoption progress news after 9 months of silence. Not a bad Mother’s Day at all!

Mother’s Day for the Want-to-Be-Moms

I think this is always the question in mother’s minds when they have a close friend or family member struggling to add to their family if they have not struggled themselves in the same way. There sometimes is the guilt of privilege since so many moms know that it’s not always easy to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and take a beautiful child home from the hospital. I hope it’s clear that I don’t feel this guilt is warranted, but I am acknowledging that these women are compassionate and aware of an unequal playing field when it comes to what is so breezily named “family planning.”

As this is my third Mother’s Day wanting – but not having – a little one in my home, I’ll share my perspective. I cannot speak for anyone but myself and, if I have learned anything about this journey, it’s that emotionally sensitive topics like this are polarizing in opinions…and sometimes I find myself being very inconsistent in my feelings and/or reactions, so in no way can this post speak for everyone with infertility or a history of pregnancy/infant loss. But, here are my thoughts anyway, hoping to shed at least a little bit of light into this corner of the room.

I spent the first Mother’s Day I was trying to start a family pregnant. Freshly pregnant. Glowing. Oozing with joy from my secret. “Happy Mother’s Day!” I shouted to anyone who would listen. Happy, Happy Mother’s Day to all the hard working moms out there, the cuddlers, the mess-cleaners, the tear-wipers, the brave women paving the way for the new phase of my life. I couldn’t wait to share in this club, joining so many family members and friends with silly little ones running around in backyard sprinklers and holding hands crossing the street.

By the second Mother’s Day on this journey to start a family, I had survived three miscarriages. I chose the word “survived” not to be dramatic, but to remind or illustrate that there had been hardship. There had been sadness. There had even been a tragic delivery of a sweet, perfect, baby boy. It makes me weepy just thinking about that perfect boy without the heartbeat; the one whom I held with all his fingers and his toes; the one whom changed my world forever. This second Mother’s Day, I felt like a mom already.

Because I had this second trimester loss (many not knowing of the other two losses), others already thought of me as a mom, too. One dear friend sent a text out to remind many of us that our self-worth did not hinge on “how much action our collective uteri had or had not seen” which struck me as the perfect sentiment since so many of us feel so much shame when our bodies fail us in this way and, in many ways, Mother’s Day is another day to struggle internally with that shame, sadness, and confusion. The holes in our hearts are gaping open on this day.

Paradoxically, I will also add that I still had joy for those moms whom seemed to hold that title in a more “real” or legitimate way since they had brunches and crayon drawings announcing, “We love you, Mom” to prove it. There can be sadness in the midst of joy for others. There can be pain in the midst of celebration for life and all the sacrifices these wonderful women make everyday for challenging tots, tweens, and adults that will always seem young to their moms.

On this third Mother’s Day, marked tomorrow, I feel jaded. Four miscarriages and 1.5 years into international adoption, I know that this moment will pass, but I feel close to hopelessness. My “timeline peers,” as I will call them, in the Haitian adoption process, are getting soft matches (unofficial/dependent on other factors/tentative matches) with children, and I feel desperate as I, for the moment at least, am left behind again. For years now, I’ve watched women have one and then two kids while I wait, and now the adoptive moms are moving ahead too. This is all good. It’s good! I do believe that. But I don’t want to be left behind again. I don’t want to ache for my children anymore.

Interestingly enough, this is what many describe as fundamental in motherhood: the ache for your children. You want to eat them up and keep them close to you. There is an endless place in your brain focused on them even when you are sipping margaritas several hours away from them on a much-needed adult vacation. They are attached to you like nothing else. So, on Mother’s Day, I would tell the “real” moms out there that I feel like a mom too. I might not get brunch and a crayon “I love you, Mom” drawing, but an acknowledgment from friends and family of my journey fills my heart to the brim. It makes me feel validated and loved in the midst of my journey. I know one day this awkward place will be behind me, but – for Mother’s Day – I don’t pretend to know all the work that goes into caring for a child in a physical sense, but I feel I do understand your “mother heart,” that piece that is always attached to another.

Happy Mother’s Day, fellow moms, whether your children are in the sky or sitting right next to you in this world. Happy Mother’s Day to those yearning for a little one after months or years of infertility. This is one of those moments I believe in the power of intentionality. I do not say that to minimize the work and care of those mothers who need a day off from the kid chaos, but only to try and acknowledge all whom yearn for a place at the table. If you know of a “non-mom mom,” such as me, a “thinking of you” is simple enough to make her feel a little braver and more understood as she faces another non-mom day.

Don’t Forget the Irony

I know at this point I am looking for the irony in my life, but yesterday provided more fodder. I rarely get a phone call from my adoption agency, so yesterday I picked up right away when I saw the number on the screen. Could this be good news, I thought?

No. Let that sink in: No. Of course not.

I usually try to stay positive, but I also try to be very human and truthful in my writing. Yesterday was not a day that was supposed to be full of happy tears and joy for me. The foreshadowing of that occurred many months ago, though, didn’t it?

On my due date of my last lost, my adoption agency wanted to remind me that we are getting close to needing to update some of our paperwork (fingerprints, U.S. orphan adoption approval, and our homestudy). So, on the day I am reminded already that I am still waiting to parent a child, my agency reminds me further that, yes, I have been waiting so long with no news that it is time to spend more time and money to wait on a process they can tell me nothing about for an indefinite number of months. Basically, “Redo steps A, B, and C and you might not need to redo step D…unless we can’t get our job done by X month. Then, you will have to redo A, B, C, and D on a new form and…” cross your fingers, wiggle your toes, blow milk bubbles out of your nose…and hope for the best.

I’ve talked about my sick pup a number of times, as well, and – just to make sure I didn’t feel like trying to sneak any more positivity into my life – I was up with Hollywood most of the night, comforting him and cleaning up after his sickness. I hate even typing that because I think talking about sick animals is the most disgusting, boring topic ever, but it just fits in oh so well with my day. It was almost as if the universe was telling me not to forget to crumble a little – just for a moment – while I was trying so hard to stay positive.

Frankly, I think I did okay, but – no – the irony was not completely lost on me. I still felt sorry for myself a little bit (which is obvious if you are still reading this). Is that self-compassion or narcissm? I think a little of both. But I am done dwelling on it. I just wanted to stop, just long enough, to shake my proverbial head and share how perfectly wrong my life feels in certain moments.

Cheers to making today a different kind of day! On that note, at least we crammed a bunch of “ick” into one day so as not to ruin the next….Today, I will start anew with positivity and joy! Here’s my finicky, wild pup feeling a billion times better, starting off fresh today as well!

This Beautiful Moment

Life supplies a lot of twists and turns. Today is the due date for my fourth child who didn’t make it, and – quite a while back – I was crushed unexpectedly when I found out a friend was due with her son today (after I already knew mine wasn’t viable). I knew then it was selfish, but I had an emotional (and private) reaction. I found out yesterday she had her healthy baby boy a few days ago.

Today, though, is a very different day with a very different perspective. This morning, a dear friend delivered her baby girl. She is a friend who understands my perspective all too well, and gives me support and love on my journey. A friend, who has a story filled with lightness, reminds me today that miracles do happen. She is my Bullets to Blessings friend, a woman who has shared quite a similar journey. Once again, her story and her soul are giving me strength on a day I could be weak. She is giving me hope where it seems none remains. She is reminding me that miracles do happen.

This morning, she went through her first delivery with her fourth child. This is not the first baby she prayed for or named, but it’s the first one she gets to cuddle and kiss. Today, I am not jealous or sad, left to my narrow perspective. Today, I get to celebrate and revel in the truth that sometimes it does work out as planned. I know many who read this blog have had similar struggles, and may currently be going through them, so cement this story of hope into your being. Remind yourself that it gets better. And celebrate the birth of a new, sweet, little girl with a woman who deserves this beautiful moment.

Stealing Nectar

…squeezing sweetness out of whatever the day brings.