Monthly Archives: June 2014

Do I Look Healthy?

My husband and I decided to go ahead and see a genetic counselor. Going to a doctor, hoping they find something wrong with you, and then praying it can be fixed, feels a little strange. Our appointment is today, and – while getting dressed – I realized I was trying to pick an outfit for the occasion, like we all sometimes or always do (depending on the occasion, person, and his or her pretension to style – or maybe just vanity). But this time, I realized I was trying to pick something that made me look healthy. 

What are the qualities of an outfit that makes me look healthy, you ask? I am not really sure, but I guess not necessarily one to hide behind, but an outfit that makes me look vibrant, strong, and like I wouldn’t have a genetic dysfunction causing my pregnancies to fail. Yeah, one like that.

I think I found myself imagining the doctor scanning us, garnished in our healthy outfits, and pre-approving us. I imagine the doctor looking at the test results and, if there is an abnormality, simply thinking it cannot be so because we just looked so darned glowy in that consultation! Either way, I am realizing I am obviously a little nervous about the appointment.

I think I am at a point where I can talk about losing Adam Gabriel without getting weepy, but I can never tell for sure. Depending on the question, the phrasing, and what traumatic triggers might be set off, my reaction varies. Usually I am okay, but always my heart is racing inside. Always I feel incredibly vulnerable. And now I am voluntarily asking another stranger to rummage through my body and soul, bringing to the surface the subject that has torn my heart into shreds.

Maybe focusing on the outfit was just the easiest thing to do. Looking healthy seems a lot less stressful than worrying about what uncontrollable truths lie underneath my skin. But, as I’ve written about previously, this life is all about peeling off our protective thorns to get busy living the life we are really meant to live.

Here I go.

Extra Confetti – The Summer Solstice

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My regular readers know I am a big proponent of celebration and seizing the day (e.g. stealing nectar of course). I’ve decided celebrating the summer solstice this month will be a fabulous way to fit in a little extra confetti.

I’ve become interested in energy: the energy we carry and let go; the energy we absorb from nature and others; the energy we decipher through a strange combination of using our senses together to know for sure something or someone is right – or very not right – for us at any particular moment in time. Well, the summer solstice is the longest day of the year, giving off so much sun energy that solar panels everywhere will be feeling delightfully overfed. Why don’t we partake in the positive energy absorption, too?

For the last very long moment in time, my life has been full of sad and disappointing energy from which I have been trying to properly detox. This garbage energy is SO hard to properly dump, but I am using all the healthy methods I know (like laughter, play, eating more vegetables, and meditation) to rid myself of whatever droopy energy I can. I am welcoming anything full of life and rigor, anything relaxing and fun. Just like a solar panel, I will be trying to capture all the sun I can get, and I will make a concentrated effort of this June 21.

I am thinking beautiful napkins and fancy drinks. Cake. My favorite flamingo and pinwheel straws. A large blanket on some quiet grass. And – to make a peaceful transition from the sun, in all its heightened glory, to it swinging away from us for the next 6 months – there will be star watching after dusk.

Putting a Lasso On Life

I am putting a lasso on life. I don’t mean that in a controlling way, but only in the wild cowboy way.

The weather is getting nicer and I’ve decided I am going to make my life go the same way. I am chasing the things that make me feel alive. First, my husband and I just bought paddle boards. We have a beautiful lake near our home, and we’ve been riding out on our walk-on-water boards, frequenting private tree-lined nooks and crannies where we can laugh at each other as we try to balance doing yoga or just lay back and look at the open sky. We have been running, laughing, eating healthier, and trying to work less. We have been cuddling with our dog.

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Some days this is easier than others. It’s crazy to me that relaxing can be hard. But, it is something I am getting better at doing. I’ve become a truly independent consultant at work which made me feel surprisingly more relaxed than I thought I would. Sometimes we carry around burdens we don’t even know are so heavy on our backs. My husband and I also have been church hopping, and I think we’ve found one where we can breathe deeply and connect to others easily. There isn’t much – or maybe anything – better in life than that.

Another thing I did for myself lately was visit two of my closest friends (one being my sister) in the Pacific Northwest. They spoiled me with love and companionship. Among the hikes, spa treatments, beach campfires, reading of stories to my nephew and niece, shopping, red wine, and solving the world’s problems, my heart began to become light again. The trip gave me a new, positive energy for doing this work of lassoing that was so needed in my life. Sometimes spending time with those that cherish your soul can heal you beyond what anything else in this world can offer.

So, if you need me, I will be lassoing life. Whether or not life decides to cooperate with the things I cannot control, I will be spreading my wings and breathing deeply. I will be taking in the sun, or the moon, and counting the stars at night. I will be rejuvenating my spirit, infusing it with the best things I can reach.