Life’s Doors and Windows

Hibiscus

Receiving the news that our file is matched with a little boy in Haiti infuses energy into my life. Most of it thrilling, but some of it scared that we will lose this one, too. As I told my parents, it feels like the 5th pregnancy (not counting the Colombian twins to whom we also felt attached). We’ve gone through the whole announcing a pregnancy thing, and it hasn’t worked out so well. But, I opened this blog to create a space to be vulnerable, trying to sort out my thoughts and live more fully in my life. So, we commence the moment. We celebrate. We know there is sadness and uncontrollable situations, but we choose to be present for all the positives along the way.

The only information we have on the match is that a) he is a boy, b) roughly where he is residing now (geographically), and c) his birth date. One of the first things I did was to try to trace my life back through journals, emails, and social media to see what I was doing the day he was born. Life is so paradoxical! The day he was born, I found out my first methotrexate shot didn’t properly abort my baby, my last pregnancy, so I had to scurry around, trying to ensure I could get yet another shot of the poison an hour before boarding a plane to help my sister in need. So, the old saying could not be more true: when God was closing a door (ending my time with one child), he was opening a window (bringing my next child into this world).

I say this early, hoping this match really is the one. But beyond that, I say this to all of you reading this, hurting in one way or another. We just don’t know what life will bring us. We just don’t know the timing of things. We don’t have the whole plan laid out in front of us. However, I do believe in optimism. I believe the plan is out there. I believe our sorrows prepare us to be more of ourselves than we ever thought possible, stronger than our wildest dreams. And that, is beautiful.

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9 thoughts on “Life’s Doors and Windows

  1. Congratulations! I appreciate your fears, but I also sense your optimism and hope! I am beyond excited to hear that you have been matched! I love that you were able tot race your life back to the date he was born – clearly without you even knowing it another window was opening at the same time.
    If you don’t mind me asking, what does the process look like once a match occurs (or maybe I should say, what do you anticipate the process looking like, because one thing I now for sure out adoption is that the process always seems to be changing)?

    • Thank you so very much! You are right – optimism, hope, and still some fears…but I am going to try and stay realistic but positive! I should do a post about the timeline, but basically we still expect to have 1.5-2.5 years left (I hate writing that but it’s the truth…I am preparing myself more for the 1.5 years because that’s all I can handle at the moment…). Hopefully with a firm referral in about 6 months, we can meet him and have pretty unlimited visiting rights! That will be a game changer!

  2. This is amazing! I totally understand your fears, but this is the best news! I love that you could trace the day of his birth. I love that while something awful was happening on that day, something wonderful was also going on outside the scene. That is pure magic right there.

    • Pure magic is so right! It really restores my faith in this world to think of how incredible the day he was born will be from now on and how, at the worst moments, some really great things are being prepared! Thank you so much!

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