I have realized this blog was used primarily as therapy and I need it less right now. This didn’t become clear until I was busy living instead of working hard not to drown. So, with that acknowledgement of my absence in this space, I will proceed to give more details on my spoiler alert title…

Son Four is expected Valentine’s Day 2018! A biological, genetically healthy (as far as a simple blood test can show), baby boy…and this news almost makes me feel like an infertility and loss fake (almost). 

In a crazy turn of events, sometime after giving away all of my maternity clothes and stopping exclusively pumping because I had two deep freezers full of milk (which I don’t recommend to anyone – it was insanity), I suppose I felt enough like my own self to commit myself to the crazy process all over again. Adrian started sleeping through the night consistently, and almost simultaneously, I got pregnant again (when he was around 10 months old). 

I suppose the only way to explain it is that Adrian is more scrumptious than I ever could have imagined and, after our adoption agency got debarred last December, having another biological child actually seemed less uphill and maybe better for everyone being considered. After all, I have learned how complex adoption really is and that my current family dynamic might not be the ideal I thought it was for an adopted child. There is a lot more I could unpack there, but I am quite unqualified and will leave it to those with much more experience to have the voice on that.

So, stealing nectar is hardly necessary right now. The nectar flows from my life and the gratitude I have for it. I might get to give Adrian a brother at the end of this. I am working a little, but still get to be with Adrian almost every day. My family is healthy. Within five years, my life has plummeted to depths I couldn’t have imagined and now is resurfacing with a stronger, more grateful me with so much to look forward to in a short time…and much to hope for even further ahead.