I wish I was over this hurting, this squeezing of my heart. I wish I was over the outbursts of sadness. Because the triggers are unpredictable, the emotional door slams in my face. I haven’t had one of these in quite a while, but today my emotions stole my composure.

Crushed ice background

Today, an old friend texted to say she was expecting her first baby boy…on what would have been my latest due date. Any phrasing of the news that left out the date, and I don’t think I would have turned it around so quickly to be about me and about my loss. I’ve prided myself on being happy for all my friends and family who continue to have healthy pregnancies followed by the cutest little 7 pound miracles. But today my selfishness got the best of me and, although I texted back a joyous response (that I really did mean), the next moment was all about me and my loss, my hurt, my world not being fair (which is a huge joke of a thought since I am so, so fortunate in life).

So, sometimes the crush seemingly comes out of nowhere. I was having a normal – or maybe above average day – and didn’t expect the tears to flood from my eyes today. I didn’t expect to have to expend the energy struggling with my emotions and needing to recenter myself. But wouldn’t it be inhumane of me not to remember the date, the lost joy I had for my family? So, here we continue. I know I am so lucky, but this just sucks. Life is often hard. Life moves on with or without us…so I’ll just keep trying to get unstuck.

10 thoughts on “Crush

  1. It hits hardest when you aren’t expecting it, doesn’t it 😦
    I’ve never felt emotion like it to be honest – nothing like I had experienced before I suffered my loss. Is that true of you?

    Of course you’ll feel pain surrounding the due date – it was a date that held such promise for you & your loved ones which sadly never came.

    Recently I felt blind panic when a close friend announced she was expecting and her due date was within days of my daughter’s birth date. It feels like a sacred day to me – something that has significant meaning in my life, & Is something that I don’t want to share with family/friends. How very selfish of me.

    You’ve done your friendly duties, genuinely sharing in their joy, but don’t feel ashamed for taking a moment or two to acknowledge your pain and sadness.

    My health visitor often reminded me that there are many people who sail through life without so much as a bump in the road – sadly that is not us. But we are often shaped into more compassionate, caring, loving souls (something similar to what you’ve said to me before).

    Much love headed your way in your time of need xx

  2. I find the unexpected triggers are the hardest. The ones I have no-way to prepare for are the ones that always leave me in tears, and leave me trying to pick up the pieces and remember all the things I am grateful for in spite of all the hurt.

    • Yes, the unexpected triggers are the ones that are the hardest because we aren’t already protecting and preparing ourselves for them. They just show up and we have to integrate them. Thank you for your kindness. Looking forward to both of us having adoption news soon. 🙂

  3. Thank you so much for these kind words today; they are very much helping me feel understood and comforted. Yes, I don’t know what that says about my life, but these losses are definitely the most painful things I have endured. I had a very similar situation as you with Adam’s birth date; luckily, the other baby was not born on his birth anniversary, but a few days prior. Blind panic is a great description – it’s an uncanny, primal fear we have about these dates, isn’t it? Our wounds gape open on these days…but I have to hope that time and love will heal them and our sensitivity to these dates (although I know we’ll never forget, and probably shouldn’t). Many warm thoughts for you and Ivy today. xoxo

  4. Your post really hit home for me today. I’ve been following you since your lost Adam and posted on BBC. I also lost a baby girl at around the time that you lost Adam. I’ve been wrestling with my feelings over it ever since and it took me at least 6 months to stop crying every day. About one month ago, I got my first positive pregnancy test since losing our sweet girl. I was ecstatic, terrified, and cautious all at the same time. Anything can happen. At any time. But after months or trying, those two little pink lines gave me hope. Hope for another try. Hope for the bundle of joy. Sadly, the pink lines started fading about a week later, and red drops showed up. Your post really hit home for me today. These moments, moments when you realize that others are living your dream – the dream that you’ve been hopeful for l, patiently waiting for but haven’t been gotten yet – knock the wind out of you and drag you down. The worst part is that having a baby looks so easy for everyone else. And it IS easy for so many people. But somehow, it just seems to foreign and unattainable, some promise land, that I will never reach. Hugs to you. I’m hoping for you. Xoxo.

    • Lovely girl, I am rooting for you too. Since you’ve been following my posts you know that I understand that hope and crushing loss of hope all too well. We owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward, though; whatever forward looks like to you, find a way to hold on to your spirit and revel in your path. I am struggling, but trying everyday to do that. You will be in my deepest thoughts and prayers.

  5. It’s Not About Me – Stealing Nectar

  6. This Beautiful Moment – Stealing Nectar

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