I have tried to write a baby update a few times now, and it seems that all I have to report are boring things about breastfeeding issues, losing pregnancy weight, diaper fiascos, gazing at my beautiful son for hours on end…basically, the new parenting stuff I think is pretty typical.
So, what I need to say: even though I am in a fog of responsibility and sleeplessness, life has never been better. The minute Adrian was born it seemed like he had been here forever. He just fit. I know the instant bond isn’t every parent’s experience, but – happily – my husband and I felt it. We actually commented – after an hour or two in the hospital with him – “How was he not here yesterday?!”
After 27 hours of labor that included an extremely difficult 2 hours of pushing, he arrived healthy and beautiful. These first weeks have been a cliche: harder and more incredible than I thought possible.
Basically, even though I knew I have wanted a child for many years now, I feel so much more comfortable and excited to have him here than I thought I would. I prepared myself not to bond instantly, to anticipate how hard it would be, and to think about other, more negative, aspects of being tied down with a child. But, although it’s been physically very taxing (battling a couple infections, a fever, and sleepless nights), emotionally it’s been life-giving, miraculous, and sweeter than I thought possible.
Now I know why parents are always encouraging people to start having kids. It’s amazing! I strongly feel people should have whatever type of family/non-family they desire (if possible, of course), but I now understand why there is so much encouragement to those on the fence about parenting. It’s an experience like none other and, so far for me, incredibly fulfilling.
To have Son Three right beside me, healthy, (snoring!) and so darn adorable…I once again feel the luckiest. All the years of miscarriages and what those do to your body and spirit seem less painful now somehow. And as I write that, I KNOW I am the luckiest because I know some of you reading this will not be validated in this way. And I weep with you. Truly. I definitely understand as I walked away from trying to conceive for nearly a full year before this fifth pregnancy. My heart will always be with those struggling to complete their families.
My greatest wish is that my story can provide hope for someone struggling to see the way out of infertility and/or loss. I got to the point I was definitely okay not having a biological child – which provided huge peace for me – and, now I promise to all of you I will never take for granted the fact that I get to experience this. Truly, I am living a miracle.