Today is the third anniversary of the birth of my sleeping child, A.G. The sting of his death always comes back as I remember him, but today I also get to be grateful for a new year full of new beginnings.

I spent a portion of this morning on my veranda with Son Three on my chest. Deep, primal gratitude soaked up the moment. As much as the birth of Adrian thrills me, there is also the sad longing for what could have been with A.G. Each moment I get with Adrian reminds me of what I missed with A.G. since this earth was not part of his soul’s journey. 

Things I never thought about missing out on with A.G. are now part of my thoughts. These do not come to me in desperation. I do accept his death as his natural way. But, these thoughts come to me with interest – curiosity – and sadness that is entirely human. Would he have looked like his brother? I suspect his personality would have been calmer and a little sweeter (not to say Adrian isn’t a good or sweet baby because he is!). 

Anyway, I just didn’t want to miss the occasion to remember my dear A.G. on his day. Life feels more paradoxical today than normal – sweeter, sadder, and more peaceful in some ways too. Today, I am thankful for both of my boys and what they continue teaching me.