This weekend I will be 28 weeks pregnant! I really never knew if I would ever carry a baby this long. I had another scan today and he still has a huge head, long legs, long arms, and even a bit of hair on his head! It’s incredible to see how healthy he is after losing four babies before him. So many questions will never be answered, but we are forever grateful for the health of THIS one, SON THREE.
Speaking of sons, we did get a bit of an adoption update that is quite ironic. (Having said this, I do not think Son Two is a viable match at all anymore, so we are looking at a new match in Haiti altogether.) After 2.5 years in process, Haiti has once again extended a certain deadline which now seems to mean we are promised a referral for a child by July 1st. The current catch, the way I understand it, is we need to complete our 15 day bonding trip and file a certain form IN HAITI before July 1st. So…as we are due with Son Three mid-July and Haiti has risk for the zika virus (among many other viruses such as malaria, typhoid, and chikungunya), it’s not exactly safe to travel before we deliver.
Yes, after 2.5 years of waiting, it looks like we will have to turn down our first opportunity at a referral in Haiti. If you’ve been following this blog, you are well aware our path to have kids has not been the least bit transparent. Here are our Haiti considerations in a nut shell:
- Decline referral and wait for new referral. This would mean we’d have to file a new government form (I-800 instead of I-600). We fear this would cause our case to slow down (even more!) because the Haitian government would be concentrating on approving the I-600 cases first. This could slow down our process, literally, years. We’ve heard it might slow down the process about two years. This is an ADDITIONAL two years on top of the two years or so we expect to wait after our initial referral and bonding trip. Sounds crazy until you get familiar with Haitian adoption! Timelines of any kind cannot be trusted, though.
- Accept referral if governments would allow us to travel after Son Three is born. This would mean leaving our newborn infant with grandparents, foregoing precious bonding time with him in exchange for bonding with our Haitian child that won’t come home for another approximately two years, and most likely quitting breastfeeding because of forementioned zika virus concerns I would not want to transmit back to our biological son.
So, neither option sounds stellar to us if you can imagine. We finally have one baby who is healthy and looks like he is coming home and it seems crazy not to slow down and celebrate that. But, from the perspective of adoptive parents who have been waiting years for a referral, it is so hard to consider turning one down if it is at all possible to move forward. Our hearts are invested heavily in Haiti, too.
It is unclear to us what decision to make. One good thing, though, is that we’ve learned a bit about patience and lack of control the past several years! We know we will have to wait and see whether Haiti sticks to their July 1st deadline. We also will have to see if Son Three, indeed, comes home healthy. We’ll have to check in with our hearts come July. What does intuition tell us? What is our deepest longing? Either way, it looks like we are getting one step closer to having our family complete, and we couldn’t be more grateful for that.
This is difficult… no matter what route you choose, I’m sure you’ll have doubts and wonderings. Given how important the breastfeeding relationship was to me (stopped at 12 months with baby #1 to start up IVF for #2, stopped at 19 months with baby #2), I know what I’d choose. And… that’s a long time to miss out on your newborn. But then your heart wants to follow through with Son #2. Ugh, no easy options.
Great news on 28 weeks! How wonderful!
I appreciate you weighing in! Anyone who has had said the same thing. I think it looks like an easier decision from the outside, which probably means something! I don’t want to lose precious time with this one who is almost home already. Thanks for understanding!!!
YES – from the outside, having had a baby, it is easy. But your position… no… not easy at all.
I couldn’t leave my newborn, just no way. Heck i still wouldnt leave my little guy. So, i 100% respect that you may choose to turn down this match. The timing just doesn’t work and i dont think for a second you can sacrifice any time with one son for another. That new born stage is too short and way to important for you to be away. Honestly i just don’t think your heart will be in Haiti if you go while your son is so young because your heart will be with your son at home. I support whatever you decide, but i just had to weigh in.
I appreciate it! I actually JUST told my agency that we for sure can’t travel before and I would like a little time afterward to bond with the bio, so I think it’s pretty certain we will be foregoing this “opportunity” and hopefully they will just not even bother us with the drama of a match at this point! Exhausting though!!! I so appreciate your opinion!
Oh GOSH, I am so sorry that you have to make this no-win decision. You are right, it is totally ironic in the worst possible way. But like you said, who knows if Haiti will stick to their July 1st deadline. They don’t seem to be very good with sticking to dates! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the deadline moves out significantly! Hugs for you.
Thank you! A moving deadline would be the most fabulous development!!!!
I am choosing to celebrate the 28 weeks (!!) part of this post. I am so happy for you. As for the deadline– I really think it will work itself out. I would hate for you to have to miss time with your newborn and I think the timeline will be delayed and work out perfectly 🙂
I like your optimism! 🙂 Thanks, sweetie!
Woooooo! So happy for you – 28 weeks! That’s fantastic! Sending you super exuberant hugs and happiness! Xx
As for the adoption… I say this as an adoptee… I really feel that you need to prioritise your bio child. There’s no shame in doing that. Right now you have a child on the way and your potential child in Haiti is just that – a potential child. Please don’t feel bad to turn down a match. It’s not safe for you to travel with Zika and it makes no sense to sacrifice time with your newborn. If another opportunity comes up then it makes sense to pursue it at a later date. Don’t beat yourself up – celebrate your new arrival! Xx
It’s funny. Not one person on here or in real life has said to fly down to Haiti. I must be crazy to consider it, but it’s been a long road so it’s hard! Anyway, I have talked to my agency and they know I can’t travel beforehand. I just hope I have enough time with the newborn before going to Haiti. I like Mamajo’s superstition that everything will work out in its own time! 🙂
Firstly, congratulations on making it to 28 weeks! That’s an amazing achievement and I hope the next few weeks run smoothly 🙂
Secondly, what a conundrum! I can totally understand why you’re torn (although, how great is it that the reason you’re up against this obstacle is because you’re pregnant?!). I think you’ll get a gut feeling as you get closer to July. In addition to fears about Zika or leaving your new born, will you actually be fit to travel when you’re so close to giving birth/have just given birth? Remember to look after yourself amongst all of this. Also, do you both have to go? I assume you do, but wondered if they’d make an exception given your circumstances.
Good luck either way!x
Yes, what a wonderful problem actually, right?! I am very grateful. We do both have to go but my husband even asked me again in case he could go for the both of us. I think we will just have to trust the timing and be prepared to turn a referral down, as hard as it will be. I know, I have been thinking about my post pregnancy body and emotions and I just don’t know when I will be ready to make such a big trip – a trip that won’t serve anyone well if I am not in a good emotional or physical state! 🙂 Thanks for your comments!