This whole blog is about staying positive. Steal nectar no matter what, I say. Here are the ways I am trying, I type. But there is another side to it.
There is a side that is paralyzed, a side that has trouble making use of my senses. A foggy side. There is a side that gets ready to leave the house and, in the end, cannot do it because of the tiniest hiccup in the plan. And I am so disappointed I cry…but then I am so cried out – emotioned out – I stop moments later and go back to my numbness.
I feel like I have dead branches stuck to my trunk, my soul. These dead branches are so heavy. I wish I could melt those words to make them look heavier on the page. They are making it hard for me to breathe under all the dead weight. They are making it hard to stay flexible with even a light breeze.
This deadness has everything to do with a lack of hope. I don’t know when I will be able to mobilize any part of my life, shedding the branches with a ferocious shudder, ripping them off of me. I know I have a lion underneath these layers of debris, but he is hard to find. I know he will win out. But, for the moment, I feel bi-polar. I’ve looked up depression symptoms again and again to make sure there are still boxes left unchecked. I laugh in the morning and by lunchtime I am solemn. I have too much time to think and not enough purpose.
In review, I have tried yoga, meditation, prayer, healthy eating, new projects, volunteering, running, travel, indulgent tv, writing, creating…and I can’t just UN-do, UN-think, UN-hurry my problems away. Time is ticking forward and nothing seems to change, however much I try to force it – or decidedly not force it.
I write this because I am doing well. I pursue health. I shower every day. I connect with dear ones. And I am also not doing well. I waste time. I am negative. I wallow. I think this is common. My relationships are both better and worse. I feel more and I feel less.
If I avoided writing this, I would be compromising the vulnerability I’ve self-promised to have while creating on this platform. I will be okay, but I am not okay. There is nothing concrete to be done to immediately change this phase, but this, too, shall pass, as they say.