Moving on from my last, sad post, I wanted to write about some positive changes I have noticed in my life recently. Last week I attended a week-long, industry event with my husband and I noticed some subtle improvements from the last time I attended one of these (in early December 2014). I always run with one of the wives and, typical of running partners, you become great companions and supporters of each other. I noticed how my dialogue with my friend on these runs had changed in those short three months.
I noticed I was less attached to the Big Hurts I have experienced in the past few years. I noticed that, even though I don’t have any more solutions than I did three months ago, I could talk about these Big Hurts with less pain and tense, controlling energy. When several good-natured people asked me about family planning, I was able to answer with the truth of our situation – with various levels of reveal about the miscarriages, losing Adam Gabriel, and adopting – without feeling shame, embarrassment, or apologetic…all emotions that I have commonly felt even though I know I don’t deserve to feel any of those ways.
To me, this felt like a big improvement. To be able to bring my full self, with all of my experiences, into an authentic conversation without worry about how the truth would negatively reflect on me signaled that I am making strides of healing. I am owning reality without being too scared of it anymore. As I have written in various ways many times before (and even yesterday), the healing is often two steps forward and one step back. Recognizing the moments of forward movement is energy-producing and even hope producing. I try to hang on to those.
When we heal and share ourselves, it’s a snowball effect of sorts; I’ve realized that when I share a more authentic version of my experiences – however vague or detailed – others share too. Sometimes they share similar experiences they have survived, and other times they just share a recognition that they understand I have been through something painful and they wish I hadn’t had that heartbreak.
I write about connecting with others often and it never ceases to amaze me how many wonderful situations and connections have come out of my Big Hurts. I don’t know if I will ever say the connections were worth the crushing sadness, but there is a chance maybe one day I will. It is refreshingly true that good can be produced from the most opposite circumstances.