This whole blog is about staying positive. Steal nectar no matter what, I say. Here are the ways I am trying, I type. But there is another side to it.
There is a side that is paralyzed, a side that has trouble making use of my senses. A foggy side. There is a side that gets ready to leave the house and, in the end, cannot do it because of the tiniest hiccup in the plan. And I am so disappointed I cry…but then I am so cried out – emotioned out – I stop moments later and go back to my numbness.
I feel like I have dead branches stuck to my trunk, my soul. These dead branches are so heavy. I wish I could melt those words to make them look heavier on the page. They are making it hard for me to breathe under all the dead weight. They are making it hard to stay flexible with even a light breeze.
This deadness has everything to do with a lack of hope. I don’t know when I will be able to mobilize any part of my life, shedding the branches with a ferocious shudder, ripping them off of me. I know I have a lion underneath these layers of debris, but he is hard to find. I know he will win out. But, for the moment, I feel bi-polar. I’ve looked up depression symptoms again and again to make sure there are still boxes left unchecked. I laugh in the morning and by lunchtime I am solemn. I have too much time to think and not enough purpose.
In review, I have tried yoga, meditation, prayer, healthy eating, new projects, volunteering, running, travel, indulgent tv, writing, creating…and I can’t just UN-do, UN-think, UN-hurry my problems away. Time is ticking forward and nothing seems to change, however much I try to force it – or decidedly not force it.
I write this because I am doing well. I pursue health. I shower every day. I connect with dear ones. And I am also not doing well. I waste time. I am negative. I wallow. I think this is common. My relationships are both better and worse. I feel more and I feel less.
If I avoided writing this, I would be compromising the vulnerability I’ve self-promised to have while creating on this platform. I will be okay, but I am not okay. There is nothing concrete to be done to immediately change this phase, but this, too, shall pass, as they say.
Stealing Nectar 
I think this is a beautiful post, there are so many times when I too feel this way. There is something about all of this, some days are good, some are not. And yet, some days I am okay and sometimes i am not and sometimes all at the same moment.
Wishing you the best.
Thank you, sweet one. I think your happiness project must combat this heavy feeling as well as anything. I keep a gratitude journal but I am not religious about it. I will need to commit to that again to at least give recognition to all the positives. Hope you are doing well today and you continue to check off the adoption criteria!
Most days my happiness project probably does combat the heavy emotions, but then there are days where it’s 11:30pm and I’ve struggled to see anything happy and then I just end up grouchy and mad! So it’s definitely not a foolproof solution. 🙂
Thanks for your well wishes. Adoption is slow, but we are moving forward. Wishing you the best as well!
I know this feeling of dead branches all too well. My therapist tells me the heaviness is from being numb, because when I am numb I am not letting myself experience all of my true feelings. She tells me that hopelessness also comes from being numb. In my case, I think she’s right. I feel so heavy all the time, but it’s not often that is let myself truly feel. I also think the nature of grief and the nature if this journey is that is a constant ebb and flow, just like you so eloquently said — both happy and sad, both peaceful and scared. Anyway, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. Xo.
That’s really interesting about what your therapist said. I know people tell me that I have a tendency to always look strong and never look like I need any help…I wonder if I do ignore some of my feelings. I do think blogging helps me express feelings that I can’t easily speak to those closest to me sometimes. It’s not that I don’t want to but, instead, just an easier platform for me to let it go. And, the journey we are on is designed this way in part, as you say. Thank you for your words. Xo to you.
Strides of Healing – Stealing Nectar