Mind Mania

When I go “into my head” too often, that’s always a sign I need to recenter, meditate, and find a way to rest my spirit. I feel a creeping in of my ego. I find doubt. Anxiety. Manic or half-thought thoughts. Catching it is one thing, but taming it is a whole other.

In the last few weeks, I have been sloppy with my words. Sloppy, or just not wise enough to choose better ones. I have been exhausting (to myself as well as others) with my repetitive focus, and I haven’t left enough room for deep breaths. The necessity of patience and comfort with ambiguity feels like a slow death….and I know that’s a result of a narrow perspective. There is openness and light here if I welcome it.

My husband and I went back to another specialist and genetic counselor and, once again, had it confirmed that we’ve had the supreme package of bad luck with our pregnancies. We are at the point of diminishing returns for any procedures/tests we would opt to have (results < effort), but – despite the lack of clarity – we felt a strange sense of relief, knowing that we are still “normal” in doctors’ terms.

However relieved, this new chapter of our life has reminded us that a long period of waiting is ahead of us. Many families have waited 3, 4 and 5 years to bring their children home from Haiti. We are open to building our family in so many different ways, but that kind of openness is not enough; there is much more patience needed. We need to be open to a timing that is divine and does not heed to chronological ticks and tocks. Although we are grasping at anything to aid in that preparation, there is much beyond our control, sight, and wisdom. In some ways it is very comforting because the responsibility doesn’t rest on our shoulders; in other ways it’s driving us nuts as we think we are ready for more purpose and responsibility NOW! (And, even as I typed that last sentence, I know I will look back at it, shaking my head, thinking, “Why didn’t I enjoy the quiet!”)

I feel a shift is actually upon us, though. This tension and rattling energy feels like we are at the top of the roller coaster’s hill, about to fly down the other side, feeling the wind blow our hair around with happy smiles and shrieks of joy. I don’t know what is on the other side of this uphill exactly, but I feel it’s just a breath away. I hope this really is the case.

So, I will calm my mind with prayer, exercise, good food, and connection. I will live purposefully, and I will anticipate the goodness that is upon us – now and that which is a moment away.

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Extra Confetti – The Summer Solstice

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My regular readers know I am a big proponent of celebration and seizing the day (e.g. stealing nectar of course). I’ve decided celebrating the summer solstice this month will be a fabulous way to fit in a little extra confetti.

I’ve become interested in energy: the energy we carry and let go; the energy we absorb from nature and others; the energy we decipher through a strange combination of using our senses together to know for sure something or someone is right – or very not right – for us at any particular moment in time. Well, the summer solstice is the longest day of the year, giving off so much sun energy that solar panels everywhere will be feeling delightfully overfed. Why don’t we partake in the positive energy absorption, too?

For the last very long moment in time, my life has been full of sad and disappointing energy from which I have been trying to properly detox. This garbage energy is SO hard to properly dump, but I am using all the healthy methods I know (like laughter, play, eating more vegetables, and meditation) to rid myself of whatever droopy energy I can. I am welcoming anything full of life and rigor, anything relaxing and fun. Just like a solar panel, I will be trying to capture all the sun I can get, and I will make a concentrated effort of this June 21.

I am thinking beautiful napkins and fancy drinks. Cake. My favorite flamingo and pinwheel straws. A large blanket on some quiet grass. And – to make a peaceful transition from the sun, in all its heightened glory, to it swinging away from us for the next 6 months – there will be star watching after dusk.