Each new year brings a chance to reflect on the last one. Some years, the dam finally breaks. Instead of a rushing stream of water, sometimes it feels more like a steady trickle of new life, but – still – the crack in the stone wall has created room for breathing.
My 2015 finally presented a broken dam. For the first time in three years, I did not endure a miscarriage (or two). I also stopped putting anxious energy into my work life. In some ways it felt like a giving up of big pieces of my life – turning a blind eye toward goals and achievement – but, in another way, it just felt finally, calmly, like back floating in a bed of water, warming myself under the sun above me.
And you know what? I needed the back float more than I needed the achievement or marked progress. I was thirsting for the sun to provide its soft loving gaze. The UNfocus, the accepting of life, the kicking off of responsibilities or any worries that could bog me down…these healed me. The kid in me reappeared. Slowly, and not without resistance and some old-bitter-woman moments of fallback, but the kid in me reappeared nonetheless.
Toward the end of 2015, I finally started recognizing myself again. I was laughing easily, back into a friendship with my body, and giving my mind a break from the criticism. 2015 did not bring home a child with all of its adoption delays. It brought me less consulting work than ever. But it brought me wet, juicy memories – laughing and just BEING with friends and family – that will always remain.
It brought me travel, shenanigans, and boat rides. It brought me stargazing and nights full of fireflies. It brought me life again. So, for the first time in several years, I did not say good riddance to another year. I said thank you for being with me in the time we had.