Hitting The Restart Button (Whenever It is Needed)

This morning my Facebook news feed reminded me that I had a special memory from two years ago. The caption reads, “[My name here], we care about you and the memories you share here. You posted this photo exactly 2 years ago. We thought you’d like to look back on it today.” The memory is a photo, happily announcing my pregnancy with Adam Gabriel (at over 4 months pregnant). I was given the option to share the memory again with all of my Facebook connections. How thoughtful, Facebook. Really.

Pregnancy Announcement_privacy edit

*Edited family name for privacy.

Many of us whom have experienced loss have numerous instances like this. These moments bring out the immature, “life’s not fair” little girl in me. But, today, that’s all I am going to say about that and I am going to move on to brighter subjects because – in the end – that’s all we can really do. Unattach from the negativity, the sadness, the grief…and remember how lucky we are in so many other ways. Remember that we are loved. Remember that all our experiences give us an opportunity to grow in depth and compassion. Hit our restart buttons and press on, clinging to healthier attitudes and actions.

Life actually feels like it’s taking upward turns (slowly, but it’s happening). The days are long, the sun is vibrant, and – as I’ve mentioned – I’ve been given the opportunity to connect with many loved ones. Furthermore, my husband and I completed our first session with a spiritual director yesterday. We are so excited to have some spiritual guidance – some life-coaching so to speak –  from a woman seeming to know what questions to have us ask ourselves in order to help us flourish in congruence with reality and our faith. After ridding ourselves of some things that weren’t serving us anymore in our conversation with her, we felt relaxed.

And, within the hour, we got a call from our adoption agency. The birth mom of the little boy we are matched with completed her adoption training! This means that everything is still on track for a hopeful referral before 2015 closes. The birth mom still needs to wait 30 days and sign her intentions again, but – for today – we have made progress. Today, we notice that we have moved from the intense, relentless grief of losing our son (and three other, younger babies) to a place that feels like there is a crack of light.

July marks a flood of sadness for me ever since losing A.G. The sadness is still there, but THIS July we are making progress on our adoption. THIS July, we are working on our marriage. THIS July, we are learning hard lessons of perseverance and patience. I look around me and see others hurting more than I am. I think of how this Haitian birth mom is experiencing some of her darkest days and making brave decisions for her family. I say prayers for mercy. I say prayers of thanks. I can’t wait to see what next July brings for all of us.

11 thoughts on “Hitting The Restart Button (Whenever It is Needed)

  1. Ah, this is amazing. First of all, what a sucker punch that must have been seeing that FB announcement. But I love that you hit the reset button — it takes a lot of strength to do that. And secondly, WOOOOOO! Such awesome news about the completion of the birth training. I’m glad everything is staying on track. I will say a prayer for the birth mom as well as she navigates this heart-wrenching time.

    • Yes, it was hard to see that announcement, but it’s a nice, powerful feeling to just move on from it and not give it power. Thank you for the adoption prayers! It means so much to me that you will be saying a prayer for the birth mom. She deserves some extra thoughts these days for sure. Xo

  2. I’m at a loss for how hard it must have been to see that facebook reminder – as if you could ever forget. I’m sorry.
    And yet, as you mention, there are great things happening right now in your life. Courageous and great things with your match as such significant steps mean you are one step closer to your family. Sending you love my friend and keeping a special space in my heart for your little boy and his birth mom.

    • As if I would ever forget is the perfect understanding! I want to tell Facebook, “I think about him every day.” I am truly moving on though, from aligning myself strongly with every hurt, and that feels very good! Your writing seems to express the same thing these days. Thank you for thinking of our little boy and his birth mom at this time! I love that there is positive energy out there surrounding our triad. Love to you as well! Hoping you get a match soon!

  3. Life is cruel at times, I think, but I also think it’s just *life*. It doesn’t have intentions although it can sometimes feel like everything is conspiring against us. So sorry that you were reminded so cruelly of happier times with AG. That must be so tough. But I love the way you’re thinking about hitting the restart button! That’s such a good way to think about it. I’ve been trying to do that too. Sending you hugs x

    • I think you are right. We can’t be so easily offended! It’s hard to do, but healthy to have more acceptance in life and allow some uncomfortable moments without getting so bent out of shape! I think about you and your little one every day. I hope you continue to integrate your loss into *life* and feel yourself healing. It took me…well, I am honestly not done healing yet (the pain doesn’t just go away ever, I think)…so give yourself some extra space and love. Xo

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