Karma, dangling carrots, and the unlucky 2013. I have been wading through quick sand for what feels like a century, yet somehow it has only been a calendar year. My heart once again feels like a sponge being squeezed, oozing all my hopes like blood to a place never to be recovered.

If I wrote a memoir, this year would fill a vast number of pages. I started the year out jobless, scurrying anxiously to find swift employment. Then, right when I found my footing with my new career role, I found out I was pregnant. Fake-drinking at parties and re-cataloging what the next year would look like proved to be challenging, yet fun, actually. But, as soon as I mustered the courage to make the BIG announcement, reality quickly crumbled in front of me in the hospital. And now, after spending many years dreaming about how my family could settle back into the city we fell in love with almost a decade ago, we had to turn down an opportunity to do just that. (As the saying goes, not all opportunities are GOOD opportunities.)

I have learned a bit about staving off desperation. I have learned to only count hatched chickens. But, with that said, I can’t deny that is still hurts to have life reach inside, to the deepest parts, and kneed them frantically and haphazardly. Like dough, it has taken my dreams and twisted and turned them, making them unrecognizable. I have to believe this wet, gooey feeling will translate into nourishment and life-giving. I have to believe that all surprises aren’t destined to be slashed into nightmares. I have to believe in a good Creator, a wise Lover, whom is in ultimate control.

So if 2013 has taught me anything, it is that a) I am not in control and b) that’s all I know for sure.